Let me go back a bit and we will go from there. A year ago July I had just gotten a job at a daycare center. Since I love babies I was very excited. When I saw the room and the babies I was overwhelmed. On my way home on Milwaukee Street I felt something come over me and felt God saying, "Dawn I want to teach you compassion". Most people I shared that with were dumbfounded because they said I already had compassion. However, I said, "Learn compassion for ALL people with no judgement." I began caring for babies, and loved it! At the same time I was having trouble with some swallowing and congestion that would not go away. I had been on 9 antibiotics and coming home one day on Milwaukee street when I again felt God whispering, "Are you willing to give up your singing for me?" Now that was a tough one. Those who know me know that singing was a highlight in my life. I sang all the time. Doug and kids can attest to that. Before I was home I had given over my singing, and promised that God would still be first even if I couldn't sing.
Over the next few months I had test after test after test, and no one could find anything wrong. My doctor then sent me for an EMG (I didn't even know what it meant) and the Neurologist said nothing but sent me to my primary care doctor that same day. I still wasn't scared. My doctor walked in and started reading the test results. As I glanced at the sheet with the test results all I could see was "serious and critical". My doctor left to compose himself and when he came back told us the results. That was how we found out that I was dying.
You wonder why I entitled this entry Fear. It is because our lives were changed in a matter of 30 seconds. That is fear! I had given my voice over to God when He asked me to, and now he was asking for my life - physically, emotionally and especially spiritually. How could I ever do that knowing death was coming. Doug, Jen, AJ, Quint, Julie, Joel, Tyler, Eli, Isaac, Jillaine, Jodi, Jeremy, Declan, Jacquelyn, and Jacob - how would they handle all this? Asking that was fear. Since February 11, 2008 the whole family has looked at the world differently. Sometimes this perspective meant sobbing our hearts out. At other times it meant laughing at funny family jokes. It has been a roller coaster ride and continues to be.
At this point I cannot talk anymore, eat anymore (and food sounds good) walk, roll over in bed, lift my head up off the pillow, and my arms are getting weaker. There are other things happening with my body, and it all tends to create fear!
Now let us flip sides and look at what God is doing with me and my family. We are closer - there is no question about this. We talk at least twice every week. You, as my church family, are closer to me. Do I ever get angry? Yes. I do not know where God is leading, but He is in charge and often I can say, "I am yours so do with me what you want". I never guessed a year ago where I would be today, and it feels like my heart is shattered into thousands of pieces. However, God is in charge. This is true whether I am angry, scared, fear-filled or any other emotion. Therefore I can I daily say "Thank-you God for ALS." Even though I hate it and am terrified He must have a plan.
Dawn
5 comments:
Dear Dawn,
Reading this blog brings all kinds of memories of our times spent together. One special memory is the summer of 2007. Some of your kids were married and the other kids were in college so you were an empty-nester. The question you asked me was "Now what am I going to do with the rest of my life because the main part of my life has been being a mom to our six kids?"
God gave us the answer because Crossroads needed a Little Lambs leader-teacher. We prayed for the answer for several months and God lead you to say "Yes I will teach the Little Lambs!" I worked with you each week and you had the class room decorated just wonderful for little kids. Everything in the Little Lambs Room was perfect from the playdough, to the art, to the free play and music and Bible Story time. Then at the end of the class time you gave each child a personal blessing. Oh how they waited to get that blessing from you. That was so special to watch. Dawn, I have worked with a lot of Young Child Teachers and you were by far the best I have ever seen. I really am so thankful for the time we spent teaching together.
THEN the problems started with your mouth being so dry so that you had to keep sucking on hard candy and also had to keep drinking water. THEN you started having trouble with your speech which led to more medical testing until you found out that you have ALS.
I still ask "Why God?" when you were playing such an important part in the children's lives. It is hard for me to understand but I also know that Gad has a bigger plan for your life. May God bless you as you follow God's leading each day.
Love Martha
PS Thanks to Mike as he helped me to get the blog to work today. GOODIE
Dear Dawn, I wanted to tell you just how much admiration I have for you, your strength, your faith and your complete honesty. You have been a favorite of my family since we began attending your dad's church back in the 60's! I remember you always as a happy, gregarious, generous, talented, loving person - always with a great big smile. Your beautiful singing voice, your piano playing (Boys and Girls for Jesus at Vacation Bible School!) Times spent in your backyard above ground pool at East J Street! Danny and Frank, Laura and Nancy, Virgina and Randy, and of course you and Francene! I remember your Boston Terriers, especiall DARANADA!!
You said in your blog that you KNOW that God has a plan in all of this that is happening to you - that is a huge thing for you to say as you struggle to swallow and breathe and enjoy those beautiful grandbabies. That is true, incredible faith. I believe as you do but it is easy for me to say as I have my health right now. Thank you for your witness.
We WILL all see each other again in Heaven but that doesn't make the depth of sadness and pain any less for those that remain.
May God continue to keep you strong in Him and keep you surrounded by your family and all those who love you.
I send to you the love of the entire Collins Family and thank you for each memory we all have of you. You have made an impact in the lives of so many.
As the Bible says, "now we see through a glass but then we shall see face to face." My hope is that all of the questions we have here on earth will be extremely unimportant when we get to Heaven.
With so much love and appreciation,
Melissa Collins
I love you mom! Thanks for your honesty.
Dear Dawn,
Thank you again for the complete honesty you share with us in this blog. It does break my heart to read it because I just want to be there with you. I remember going with you to get a Cat Scan last August when I visited.(Remember the ride over from Michigan on the car ferry? We did pretty good considering everyone else around us was using barf bags, ha). Anyway, after your Cat Scan we went to Marshall's and then to a cool restaurant to eat. I know you had difficulty swallowing that day, but you really didn't complain. Little did we know what the future would hold. Sometimes, in the past, I felt you didn't give yourself enough credit. You were hard on yourself and didn't appreciate what a wonderful person you were inside. You are a beautiful person and your ability to share your thoughts with your children and grandchildren is amazing! What a wonderful legacy to leave those precious grand babies. We have had many discussions over the years...some real LONG ones like on our trip to New Mexico! That is one of my best memories. We had so many laughs and did some crazy things! (we really didn't ride the brakes while descending the mountains in Colorado, did we?). You are on my mind so much my friend. You are loved. Pam
Dear Dawn,
This past week I thought of you and it took me back in time to the days in our lives when God blessed me with your life. The memories were so vivid I shared them with my daughter in law. Two days later I heard from my dad Herm of your illness. This news is foremost on my mind and please know you are part of my constant prayers.
Your family's blogspot and your story touched me to my heart. What an encouragement you are to so many lives.
The memories that surfaced in my mind with such clear intensity this past week had so much to do with shaping the Christian child I continue to be. I never went to Christian school but God had you planned as my friend. We would run around the fountain by the Chula Vista Woman's Club following worship services, dinner at your house after church and the most wonderful afternoons playing for endless hours in the wonderful doll house your dad made in your garage complete with lights and little cribs. Remembering the giggles we shared in the front pew at evening worship services when we got to sit alone...on to J street and playing with "Zippy" Zippity Dooo Daaahh was a favorite melody to sing as loud as we could while helping with dishes. The day we went roller skating around Whitney circle and you fell and broke your arm, and how we would slide down the iceplant instead of using the church steps to get to your house.Remembering doing church nursery together and how God gave you such a blessed gift with babies and children. Our times in VBS and the nurturing qualities I know I learned from you. God blessed and protected our little footsteps and gave us such beautiful families to nurture as we grew into adulthoodI am a grama as well and share your passion for Jesus and the great hope and comfort he has given us. A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with copd and as it progresses breathing is at times challenging. So thankful for prayer and the promises God gives us in Christ. Praying for you Dawn and your family as well. Praying that the peace of Christ be with you and your family.
Love,
Nelene (Van Zonneveld) Westerbeek
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